Hi Sunny, I lost my husband a little over a year and a half ago. We had been married 30 years. I was devistated by the loss of my very best friend in life. With the help and support of my family I am starting to feel better and finding my life is beginning to stabilize again. Don't get me wrong, I still have good and bad days. However, when I have a good day I find myself feeling guilty. Why do I feel guilty about feeling better?Is this normal?
Mary,Let me affirm to you that you are perfectly normal.After someone you love has died, even someone you have loved as deeply as your husband, there comes a point over time, where you will have to some degree accepted their death. You will find that even though you may have relapses along the way, the time and energy you spend deep in active grieving and sorrow slowly declines.As this happens you will find that although nothing will be as it was before, because it can not be the same, you gradually start to be able to find a new normal for yourself and your life.You find moments that you are able to enjoy life again, laugh with people again, feel genuine happiness again and finally begin to make positive plans for the future that you are left to face.This can initially be very painful; you may feel guilty at moving on. This is very normal. In these times we have to give ourselves permission to enjoy life again. We have to be secure in the knowledge that it is what our loved one would have wanted. We do not try to replace our loved one. We could never replace our loved one, nor the life we had together. We instead find a way to continue our life in the best way we can. I hope this has helped, my thoughts and support are with you.Sunny
Hi Sunny, Sometimes I am overwhelmed with a sense of loss, but cannot seem to pinpoint its origin. It hits me in the chest and feels like all the "little things" I've left behind me coming up again to make a statement. How is it that I can feel such intense sadness from no where in particular when the rest of my life is happy? Thank you.Mali
Dear Mali,I do understand what you are asking. I have felt a similar pain and sadness many times. I can only offer you what I know for myself in regards to it. First, I do not believe that it is by accident that you are feeling that sadness in your chest. Your chest holds your heart, and your heart is a delicate and sacred gift that feels deeply and purely.When we listen to our bodies it tells us so much!Imagine for a moment that you step outside of who Mali is today, and look at Mali from the perspective of the sum total of her experiences. Today, Mali may have many blessings and joys in her life that she is very grateful for. But Mali may also hold from her past experiences, pain, loss, and sadness that are unresolved pieces from her past. Every experience that we have in life is recorded in our bodies. So, is it so surprising that all the "little things" build up and need some place to express themselves?We think we have put issues to rest at times, but our body tells us when that isn't completely true. We can put things to rest in our minds or mentally, we will have analyzed and "figured it out", in other words, we know what we should do. We know we need to accept. We know we need to forgive. But knowing and doing and being are three different things.First, it is good that we know, because we have to know or have awareness of an issue before we can address it. But that is just the first step in the healing process.This state of knowing includes just accepting that the issue of unrest exists. Sitting with it and feeling it deeply. When we know all that we can know about it, then we are ready for the next step, which is the step of doing or healing it.Next we must decide if we want to keep the issue or let it go. If we are ready to let it go, then we start doing. That is bringing mindful intention to the issue. Here we use our tools, we use our breathing, our meditation, our studies, our journals, our prayers, our affirmations, our therapies, we pull out all of the tools we know how to "do" in order to put action to the thought of healing ourselves. This stage of doing happens in levels or layers. We can reference it as thinking of it as the layers of an onion. We begin peeling off one layer at a time, only to find another layer.You must hold great patience with yourself in this regard. Nothing is on your time. There is no time. There is only now.Finally we come to a stage of being; in this stage we find a deeper learning about ourselves in all of this. We learn to go to the core or the beliefs about the issue and we detach ourselves from the trauma of the event. We understand truly and fully that the event means nothing anymore because it does not define us. We are egoless in regards to the event. The event was just an event.It was a learning tool from which we grew as a Spiritual Being and we are at a place of peace and true gratitude for the learning and growth we have experienced.I hope this resinates and helps in some way.Let me know. Sunny
Hi Mali :)I agree with what Sunny said and want to add, to not forget about the tears. Tears can be a healing tool too.Personally, I have kept the kleenex company in business over my lifetime. lol Jenna
Hi Malli, i agree with all the comments above and yes you are yourself and you are that very same person that has gone through all these hard times that you had in the past and even though you have a great life today these times/memories may very well wake up every now and then, yet a person has the ability if they want to, to overcome all these moments, by taking little baby steps just one at a time you will overcome it, but there's one think in life though that i can tell you from my own experience which i am sure you can say that too that if i am not gonna work on it myself for myself nobody will. so don't feel bad when these these "little things" come upon you, just start working on them one by one until you'll free yourself of these sad moments, so be strong and hang in there...... and i do agree with Jenna that letting tears run freely is a great heeling tool perhaps we all have times that we need to cry but we don't because of embarrassment thus putting this great tool aside and not utilizing it so feel free to utilize this gret tool.Dave
Very well said Jenna and David!and welcome to the Bereavement Connection Blog and thank you for supporting us with your time and insights.Sunny
Hi David, I liked what you had to say about feelings "waking up". They do sometimes feel like sleeping Giants who all of a sudden raises up and over power us. Also, I agree, baby steps are so important. Everything in nature has its own season and unfolds at its own pace. Imagine how much we would miss if the first daffodil of spring woke up already unfurled and immediately was ready to wither and seed, instead of first poking its little green head up out of the damp ground and then stretching up to the sky with its bright green leaves and long straight stem and then finally, like a jack in the box who can't wait any longer, bursting into the beautiful, happy, yellow, sunshine of a flower that it is that lasts for weeks.Jenna
Hi Sunny, Jenna, & David,What I am hearing from you both is that this is a process. And to take little steps or break it down into what is manageable in the now. Thank you all for your insight.Mali
Hi Mali, Sunny,et.al,A wise man once told me(& it resonates w/ me.)that life is experiential-if we experience something fully, it goes away, leaving room for another experience. If we don't, we attach a piece of ourselves to the experience. When a trigger initiates that piece, we re-acquire that piece & the same experience. This also brings up the emotions, judgements, physical stuff, etc. 1 small tool I like to use, is to use whatever awareness I'm able to summon up to discover the trigger, whether it's the smell of oatmeal cookies, smacking your thumb w/ a hammer or hearing a song. In other words, use your physical senses to re-experience. This will allow you to detach judgement & emotion & just experience anew. (sorry for the diatribe). Love y'all
Hi Rick,Good to see you here:) Thank you for the post.
Hi Rick Aww come on, you know we love your diatribes! We even love that you can spell diatribes! lolI agree with what you are saying about the emotional attachment you speak about (you call it attaching a piece of yourself to the experience)My opinion is there might be an ego attachment perhaps to this experience, however that ego attachment is more importantly based, I believe, in an emotional response.This emotional attachment if it remains unresolved actually is materialized within our bodies as an energetic piece that our attention is constantly on until resolution is accomplished (forgiveness and acceptance). Even though the event happened in the past..because time is not linear and at some level of our awareness is constantly on it, this disallows us our full potential of use of our life-force energy for the "now".I think if we can resolve these emotional pieces and gather the energy we have scattered in the past and future we would automatically move into another realm of consciousness. If you look at the newest additions this week (Under Mind-Body-Spirit) there are several video presentations on emotions being a force able to manifest physically not only within our bodies but out into the physical world. Thanks for the contribution to the page and welcome!Sunny
Hi Mali! Thanks for posting!Sunny
Well, today I must take my beloved dog "Mickey" to the vet. It has been determined that he has a tumor in his rear, and has a difficult time defecating. I do not know what the recommendation will be but it is possible that he may not come home with me. I am having a difficult time with this today and would appreciate your being with both of us in Spirit.ThanksDale
Hi Dale,I know how heavy this weighs on your mind and heart. Please know that even though I know there are no words that can stopthe hurt and saddness of anticipated grief at the loss of a lovingfriend and companion,I can offer you my heart and its sincere offer to hold you and Mickey in itin healing spirit and loveduring this trying time.Know that I am there if you need me. Sunny
Dale,I am with you and Mickey in Spirit. I know that all will unfold in the perfectness that is.Surrounding you with blessings,Allene
Hi Everyone,I was studying on my bed. Hubby was fishing and the kids were asleep. It was just starting to get dusky outside. All of a sudden a heard a strange noise and looking up in alarm I saw a small black face peering around my bedroom door!I had left the front door open to ventilate the house and the biggest siamese cat I had ever seen decided to pay me a visit. I went after it and it didn't respond to "kitty kitty" but came running back when I meowed at it lol. It came right up to me and let me pet it. I felt really special to have been picked to give some love to it because it was very well taken care of. Maybe it knew I needed to. At any rate I felt much better.
Is there any bereavement tools to help when your loved one betrays your trust and cheats on you? Just wondering because a friend of mine is going through this. Thank you.
Hi Molly,You are right to connect this type of betrayal with grief. When a partner betrays you, whether it be in trust, support, or abandonment there is a deep and profound loss associated with this experience.This is especially true if there have been other loss issues that the person has experienced in the past. These are my suggestions to the person-There is no easy way out of the pain and devastation that you must go through at times like this. The best thing is to be ok to grieve.Be ok to experience whatever emotions come up for you. There is no need to analyze the "whys" of it right now, there will be time for that later.Find some support for yourself. Trust will be hard to come by at this time, but try to find people and situations that are nurturing to you.I hope this helps.Sunny
Thanks for this bllog post
Hello everyone, Thank you for visiting The Bereavement Connection. This site is dedicated to those who have experienced the pain of loss. This is a place of learning and a place of expression. Please feel free to express your thoughts, issues, questions, and transformations as we walk together through the universal experience of grief and mourning.I hope this site becomes a valuable part of your journey.My thoughts are with you, Sunny BossenmaierCertified Life Coach and Bereavement Specialist Facilitator for the Bereavement ConnectionGrief Support
Is This Normal?